finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
