I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
