I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Barsexuality is the new black.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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