there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
