if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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