i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
