He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
