Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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