Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
