goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
