I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
