I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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