Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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