Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
