My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
