I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
