i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
