I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
