my soul wont recognize me after tonight
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
