wanna go halves on a baby?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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