quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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