you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I love black thongs
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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