When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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