I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
They took my balls.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
