I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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