Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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