I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
stop calling my apartment porn island.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
