The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
