I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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