I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
