My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
