my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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