Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize