Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
