A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
