If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
