apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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