It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
