i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
