He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
