Cold hands, warm shart.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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