Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm passing your future prison.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
