I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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