I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
