Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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