A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
