I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
