The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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