Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
