I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
