Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
