Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Randomize
