I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just invented taco cereal.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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