I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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