I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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