We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize