well you can't waste a boner
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
